I should have saved that ‘Perpetual Disappointments Diary’ for this shit

In December 2017, I chanced upon an acquaintance’s Facebook post about a black notebook with the words “Perpetual Disappointments Diary” on its cover. It piqued my curiosity, so I googled what it was all about.

Apparently, it was a real diary created by Nick Asbury and it was described as “an appointments diary with a series of disappointing twists.” Since I wasn’t having the best time of my life back then and I was sure things could only go downhill from there, I decided to get one for myself.

Finding the said product wasn’t easy. In fact, I had to contact several branches of a local bookstore just to secure a copy of it. Ironically, it did not disappoint. It was so dark and witty, especially with its weekly demotivational proverbs. And instead of highlighting holidays and observances, it featured notable deaths. It even had contact pages for people who never call.

As I was browsing through my new diary, all I could say was, “Bring it on, 2018!” Indeed, I was sure that I was ready for what I thought would be the worst year of my life.

The first seven months of 2018 turned out to be really bad. My 4-year relationship ended in January and I started dating a guy with questionable values the following month. In April, I found out that the new guy had actually been cheating on me. I ended up giving him another chance, but he cheated on me again in May. (Yes, I was so stupid back then!) It was messy enough to trigger my worst breakdown to date. Yet, instead of breaking up, we continued our toxic relationship. No wonder, June was hellish as well. It was packed with fight over a lot of things, including, of course, his never-ending desire to flirt with other women both online and offline. Good thing, however, I was already tired by the end of July, and I decided to call it quits.

Obviously, I made the most of my diary’s pages from January to July. There were just too many disappointing things to write about during those months. However, things changed as soon as August arrived.

Craving a fresh start, I moved to a new place on August 1st. My new home was in a neighborhood where some of my closest friends were in. I loved my new place and how accessible it was to all the restaurants and cafes I liked visiting. And, of course, I also liked the fact that I was no longer being held down by anyone. I felt so free and suddenly, I was too happy with my life. I got busy with a lot of things as well. I started writing again and I went out a lot with friends. At the end of the month, I met a great guy and right away, I was sure he was the one for me. Eventually, I stopped writing in that diary.

Now when I look back to 2018, all I can do is laugh. Although I had my fair share of misfortunes in the first seven months of that year, I managed to bounce back. And the year ended with a bang. In fact, before the year ended, I received a news that somehow changed my life: I made it to a national writers’ workshop.

Shit, I wasted that “Perpetual Disappointments Diary” in 2018. If only I had known that year would not be so bad, I could have saved that undated diary for 2020, which is officially the worst year ever.

This year, the pandemic alone has affected all of us in ways we never could never imagine. It has made things even worse for some people, too, while the government continues to display incompetence. And as the pandemic continues to terrorize us all, we are forced to deal with more problems. Cases of domestic abuse are surging. Our problem with teenage pregnancy is worsening. Our healthcare system is being overwhelmed. Our environment is suffering. Capitalism is fucking with all of us, while, hell yes, the billionaires are raking in more cash.

Even my personal life hasn’t been so great these past few months. My productivity rate has dropped so severely that I can’t even finish a paper that was due last semester. I’ve been so distracted, too, that I have been finding it hard to focus on tasks that I’d normally complete very quickly. This affected my performance during my first two weeks in my new job. I just felt so lost and confused as the days bled into each other and everything around me seemed to blur. I’ve dealt with a number of health issues this year as well.

I know, my troubles are nothing compared to the problems other people are forced to face these days. And it’s the reason why I feel more disappointed and angrier each day.


Featured image from asburyandasbury.com

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