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Oh, Frustrations

The semester is ending soon and here I am, still clueless on how to catch up with all the unread book chapters and unwritten academic papers.

Anyone who has known me for a long time would probably think that it’s so not me, for I have always been a diligent student. I never missed a deadline as an undergrad; my friends lauded my willpower to finish school requirements (even with flying colors), despite the fact that I had to juggle studies with multiple part-time jobs.

So what has been happening these days? Is the old me gone? Is my job security and the promise that I’ll get to eat and pay the bills no matter how I suck at school making me feel somehow complacent, to the point that grad school no longer seem to matter a lot? Am I unafraid to fuck up this time because life has been okay and it will be even without a master’s degree?

Maybe yes and maybe no.

Maybe yes, because unlike before, I no longer feel the fear of starving to death and being homeless in case I fail to finish my degree. Grad school, like what many think, is just a bonus.

Maybe no, because there are other factors that have to be taken into consideration here. It’s not just about me not failing to see the point of it all. Instead, it may also be due to the fact that I’m just tired. Perhaps, I need to take things slow, take a break, and accept that people get tired sometimes.

It gets frustrating at times, sure. In fact, there are times when I just start to hate myself for being too inefficient and weak, unlike in my younger years when I had the drive to just work no matter what.

But life’s different now. I already hold bigger responsibilities and think of bigger things. I have achieved more, too, so I guess it’s just fine to feel exhausted at times. What matters is that after the much needed break, I’ll catch up with the backlogs and excel again.


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